March 2 Evaluation

Be aware of what you are saying: ‘retard’ is not ‘stupid’

Original Lead: The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines mental retardation as a “sub average intellectual ability equivalent to or less than an IQ of 70 that is accompanied by significant deficits in abilities (as in communication or self-care) necessary for independent daily functioning, is present from birth or infancy, and is manifested especially by delayed or abnormal development by learning difficulties and by problems in social adjustment.”

Weakness: I thought the lead was really long and kind of boring which could cause readers to stop reading this article.  The handbook also says that a lead should not be a dictionary definition. 

New lead: The word ‘retarded’ was meant to describe people who have an IQ of 70 or less. It was never meant to describe anything that is unpleasant or ridiculous.

Strength: The new lead gets to the main point. It is short and concise, and makes readers wonder why it is wrong to use the word ‘retarded’ as a label for stupidity.

NUMMI closure affects student and family

Original lead: The close of the Fremont NUMMI Plant affects WHS students. Sophomore Billy Burgendall’s father has been working in this plant for 24 years. Burgendall blames the recession and the decline for the demand of automobiles.

Weakness: I thought it was confusing when the first sentence says that it affects WHS students, but then it starts talking about how a WHS student’s parent is affected by it.

New Lead:  The close of the Fremont NUMMI Plant affects WHS students and their families. Sophomore Billy Burgendall’s father has been working in this plant for 24 years. Burgendall blames the recession and the decline for the demand of automobiles.

Strength: The original lead was okay; I just thought adding ‘their families’ would make more sense.  Also, it would better to call Billy Burgendall’s father by his name than just Billy Burgendall’s father.

All-Star athletes commit to colleges

 Seniors Lauren Floro and Cedric Lousi were both honored for their athletic achievements in being actively recruited by Division 1 colleges. Floro has been recruited by University of California, Riverside and is guaranteed a spot on the soccer team while Lousi has been given a full ride scholarship to attend San Jose State University for football. Activities director Helen Paris arranged a “signing party” for both athletes to finalize their scholarships with family and friends. The leadership class spent the beginning of fourth period, Feb. 2, decorating the MPR, plastering the walls with posters and balloons.

Weakness: I thought the lead was really long for this article. It would be better if it was shorter.

 Activities director Helen Paris arranged a “signing party” for senior Lauren Floro and Cedric Lousi athletes to celebrate their recruitment from Division 1 colleges with family and friends. The leadership class spent the beginning of fourth period, Feb. 2, decorating the MPR, plastering the walls with posters and balloons.

 Strength: I took the important points from the original lead. The other information is important, but it should be after the lead.

Barbecue honors basketball teams

ASB held a lunchtime barbeque Feb. 23 to celebrate the advancement of both the boys and girls basketball teams to NCS.

Weakness: The lead does not state the most important point.  (Why is it so special?)

ASB held a lunchtime barbeque Feb. 23 to celebrate the advancement of both the boys and girls basketball teams to NCS which hasn’t happened for 10 to 15 years.

Strengths: I thought the original lead was okay, but the quote from Ms. Paris could be incorporated to the lead to make it clearer. Now it states why it was so special that ASB would hold a barbeque to celebrate.

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